Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Bridal Registry Story.

Since we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary (Styrofoam, I believe) I think it appropriate to tell the tale of what should have been a clear warning to my now-wife of what she was about to enter, i.e. lifelong covenant with the likes of me.

Many of her friends had gotten married by the time we decided to get all nuptial, and married recently enough that their tribulations were fresh in their minds and fresher in their conversations. One recurring theme was the non-participation of the groom.

"Bob won't do X"
"Jeff won't go to any Y"
"I can't get Fred to Z."
"Jack keeps postponing talking about ____."

And so forth.

And so on.

So, my beloved, with these admonitions fresh in her impressionable mind, decided to invite me to the Bridal Registry. I hadn't considered it in the least, but I said that was fine and we went. We met with the Bridal Coordinator who eyeballed me with that look of "Who let an icky BOY in here???" and handed us a clipboard with things to fill out as we decided on towels, plates, etc.
It was then the trouble started.

My beloved, for those of you who couldn't be bothered to pay attention, has tastes most accurately described as running the spectrum from Baroque to Rococo. Ornamentation is viewed from the perspective that more is better and too much is just right.

Scrolls, foliations, gadroon borders, assorted flourishes, gilding, etc. are all the minimum.

Me? Think Bauhaus, post-modernism, Arts & Crafts.

So there was a discrepancy when the time came to select items to list.

My beloved would hold up an X and not only did I dislike it -- for wives have developed, for evolutionary purposes, I suppose, a knack for selecting things their husbands dislike -- but I commented acidly on them."How about this accent piece?" she'd ask innocently.

"It looks like something a gladiator would use to hang a towel."

or

"What do you think of this china pattern?"
"Louis XVI probably used that to shoot skeet."

or

"What about this stemware?"
"If we have that in our house, people will assume we go into the pool with jewelry."

or

"I like these towels."
"If Aladdin comes by, he'll think he can use them to fly."

And so forth.

Oh, how the arguments ensued!

I am pleased to say my record was a pyrrhic 10-1-5. I lost the "nice" crystal argument.

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